I have to admit that one of our guilty pleasures is following the lives of the rich and famous. Some stars are seen as villains and some as near saviors and either way we revel in their trials and tribulations.
Take Madonna for example, you actually defend her crass sense of entitlement when the press dumps on it (and I, personally, am fascinated at her ability to have risen from Michigan to international super-stardom with such atrocious teeth) and start painting her in the image of a victim even though she likely wipes with silk handkerchiefs and sips her Kool-Ade from crystal goblets.
I mean, the other day Kasha told me that Michael Jordan cried at the basketball game of his teenage son... And I almost started to cry! And I can't stand the Bulls or any of their fans. The decision to become a vegetarian was almost dismissed out of hand when I was in high school because I wanted to contribute to the slaughtering of bulls in homage to bad boys Bill Lambeer and Rick Mahorn.
But now I am more even-handed about it. I realize that the famous and our elevation of their personae is really the intersection of a mirror on society and another member in the long list of society's sedative distractions. Er sumpin like that.
And who doesn't like distractions, mirrors, and (especially) sedatives?
Yay Stars!
It should be no surprise then that I drifted into the channel of reading up on star baby names when faced with navigating the dire straits of christening the pickle. I happened upon an online ballot for the "WORST Star Baby Names of 2005" (yeah, the internet is a landfill that never decomposes) at a site called Mister Poll.
http://www.misterpoll.com/polls/237094
And, believe it or not, I have a lot to say now about what would have been an irrelevant and trifling distraction in 2005! Allowing myself to fixate on the matter in 2009 seems almost criminally detached from reality, but it hints at that mirror-on-society phenomenon. We all do this. Ask yourself if you've asked yourself: What's Oprah's house like? What do Brangelina eat for breakfast? How did Justin Timberlake get all his black fans? Why do all Christians know more about Scientology than Judaism or Islam? Is Jennifer Aniston a robot?
What threatens to become pathogenic is the tendency in consideration to put context before actual substance. That's just a crummy way to analyze anything. It is with this way of seeing in mind that I decided to take another look at the worst star baby names of 2005. The substantial issue is rating names while the context (in descending order of importance) is babies, celebrities, and the year twenty-aught-five.
Alabama Luella
Travis Barker, the replacement drummer for the "pop-punk" (uggggh) band, Blink 182, decided to name his daughter Alabama and thus became a candidate for worst namer. I don't know, Blink 182 is an awful name for a band, but Barker wasn't even a member when the band was named.
As for Alabama as a name, again, get off Barker's back. If there's anyone to answer for Alabama's quality name-wise it must be the Choctaw Indians, and no matter what length Barker goes in attempting to look savage, he'll never be able to claim tribal membership. In my opinion, Alabama is a fine name. Perhaps a better name for a horse than a human, but was Indiana Jones not a bad ass name? And yet, I do not rest my case there.
As a guy who already has one or more DCShoe Models and a signature series of Zildjian Cymbals named after him, you have to admit that a lot of the wind has been taken out of the legacy-naming sail for old Trav. But if you want to talk in terms of legacy, it cannot be overlooked that the "Heart of Dixie" Alabama flag does absolutely nothing to conceal the state's confederate roots and (perhaps present day) leanings. This isn't akin to naming your kid Vader, either; slavery was real not fantasy and it undoubtedly sucked royally. Confederate flags should be associated with swastikas and the like. And I'm not trying to shame Barker or Alabama. The state has glorious weather and an abundance of inland waterways and the drummer survived not only a celebrity-marriage-reality TV show, but also a fatal plane crash which puts his resilience ratings somewhere in the Incredible Hulk range.
Crew James
In addition to being a hunka hunka beefcake love Joshua Morrow is Young and Restless. This Soap Opera actor does everything serially, including producing male offspring and naming them odd combos of CJM initials. There has been Cooper Jacob Morrow, Crew James Morrow, and (since making the list in '05) Cash Joshua Morrow. When you understand that there's some greater aesthetic at work, it's almost petty to nit pick parts without acknowledging the sum. It's like when people criticize Hillary for her cankles and say nothing about how reprehensible she is on the whole. The only thing that might have been myopic in Josh Morrow's naming scheme is the seeming lack of foresight into the inevitable, needless squabbling and jealousy over who'll get to go by CJ. I'll permit myself to suggest the following nicknames: "Coop" for Cooper Jacob, "CJ" for Crew James, and Cash for Cash. That's the stuff of instant legendary nickname: Cash! And I ought to know, I came up with "Coo-Goo-Joo" for Oscar Winning actor, Cuba Gooding, Jr.
Dakota Rain
Dolores O'Roirdan, the oft shoeless, Irish leadsinger of 'The Cranberries' must have felt the need to connect with her Plains Indians/ Hippie roots when she named her daughter. In fact she does dwell (for half the year at least) in a log cabin in Canada, not that hippies or Indians ever lived in such structures.
My point is that the only truly awful name associated with Dolores (no, not the Seinfeld gag!) is "Post-Grunge-Alt-Rock" which is a mouthful of sour milk describing a stagnant latrine.
Gigi Clementine
I don't know who Cynthia Rowley is, but I know that Gigi is one of my favorite names. In DC I had a friend named GG who could light up any room with a megawatt smile and disarm a pitbull with unassuming charm. So I might be biased.
What strikes me is that Cynthia Rowley is famous for being a fashion designer and fashion has always been paradoxically-simultaneously linked with notions of brash originality and cyclical repetition. Pehaps that explains why both of Cynthia's daughters Gigi and Kit have the middle name Clementine.
God'iss Love
OK, now this one throws me for a loop. I know the music biz is chokfulla people with stage names being employed for millions of ingenious reasons (the anagrammatic Axl Rose is among my favs!)
but Lil'Mo seems like an awkward bark up the wrong tree in the wrong forest. For one thing, Lil'Mo's given name is Cynthia Loving. What better name could an R&B singer ask to be blessed with?! Cynthia Loving is a Diva's name. Lil'Mo is a schnauzer's.But the point is God'iss Love. What do you think? Is that a good or bad name? Well, alls I can say is that it's better than Heaven Love'on... which is what Lil'Mo named her first daughter. And it's not a good as Cynthia Loving, but then, what is?
Jorja Bleu
Hair Metal glam boy Brett Michaels has been milking gold out of Poison for decades. I have a hard time thinking there is anything wrong with Georgia or the color Blue. One of my Great Aunts was named Georgia and my grandfather goes by George. Blue; unless it's coupled with maize, blue is just great. What I'm saying is that Jorja might be a misspelling, but a bad name? I think not? The only explanation that comes to my mind right now: maybe Brett's sugar was low. Kal-El
Nic Cage changed his own name from Nic Coppola. Now, Some say this was done to avoid (people rightly associating) nepotism allegations with his career related to uncle Francis Ford. The other version is that, a life-long comix fanboy, he wanted to give homage to bullet-proof mercenary Luke Cage, his favorite Marvel character.So Mr. "Cage" names his son Kal-El, the Kryptonian name of bullet-proof, DC man of steel, Superman. Should be no big surprise. Cage, in a string of slap-dash tours-de-faiblesse has taken his name to the upper echelon of thespianism (Academy Award: Best Actor, Leaving Las Vegas) and, in fact, his name alone makes the comix in his collection worth more than issues of the same printing and condition that are owned by non-Nics.
So, while Copolla is a 'super' name to have in Hollywood, Cage was able to leap tall buildings without it. When Kal-El eventually follows in his father's footsteps and renames himself there's only one way he can go: up-up-and-away!
Kashton
Kevin Millar earned his spot on the list of worst namers for what? Naming a kid Kashton? But, Kashton's a sweet name! Kevin is one of my favorite names of all time, but Kashton buries Kevin in a second. Sorry, Kev!
Poor Kevin! You gotta give Kevin Millar a break. The guy utilized the MLB Strike of '94 to position himself on the BoSox squad where he'd eventually help bring that same club it's first Series title in four score and six years. Sure, that made him a champion, but it also branded him a scab and officially barred him (for life) from membership in the MLB Players Association. That means he can't be a hall of famer, too. If it's any consolation, Kashton is a grand-slam of a baby name!
Mandla Kadjaly Carl Stevland
Stevie Wonder said a mouthful when he named his baby! This string of 25 letters contains fourteen different letters, or 53.85% of the English alphabet. Staggering!
What can you say about Lil' Stevie though? He can do things the rest of simply couldn't ever imagine. Wonderful, amazing things. Things like making up a name as eclectic as Stevland. Even Bruce Lansky never heard of that one... and he lists Saritupac in his list of 100,000+ names!And forgive me for saying this, but Mandla Kadjaly Carl Stevland: I am sure it sounds beautiful.
Mateo Bravery
First off, the name Benjamin Bratt musta been a tough name to grow up with. If Bratt is a component of your name, there's almost nothing else that can go wrong. But, for the Mister Poll Worst of 2005 awards, it should be noted that last names are not a factor. And I think rightly so. Since Mateo is a perfectly normal name, and even more apropos for a child of Peruvian ancestry, (and since Bratt doesn't figure in) one must conclude that the Bravery middle name is the offending aspect. But let's get one thing straight: you get a little license with the middle name. Everybody knows that!
And what's wrong with bravery? In my estimation the only thing that you can hold against bravery is its proclivity for justifying aggression.
Oh, and one more thing: don't blame Benjamin for this picture. Jumping out of a pool with all his clothes on is the only way he doesn't look like a poor man's Johnny Depp.
Moxie Crime Fighter
Penn Jillette is a career iconoclast. A Hollywood prestidigitator for 25 years, he has recently hung his shingle as a persuasive orator. And it just so happens that he has recorded a rant in response to his daughter, Moxie, making this Mister Poll Worst baby names list.Let's allow the man his rebuttal.
Poet
Soleil Moon Frye, also known as 'Punky Brewster'(the Little Orphan Annie of a new generation) named her baby Poet. I deny anyone who says poet is a bad name, although it is hopelessly fraught with disastrous expectations. I mean, it's not as bad as naming a kid The First Female President Of The USA, because anyone can be a poet. But still, that's a lot to live up to.
I'm sure it wasn't meant like that. I am sure it's just a case of the apple not falling far from the tree. Except instead of an apple tree it's a hippie-name-fruit tree.
Praise Mary Ella
What? Now it's OK to criticize rapper DMX!?
Damn! Y'all gon make me lose my mind up in here!
You’re walking on pretty shaky ground when you sling mud at DMX. For one thing, he was in Exit Wounds with Steven Segall, and then there’s his criminal record (which outlines more violent tendencies than the Old Testament). You know you’re in bad shape when your best option is taking a surrogate beating from the bone-scrunching Steven Segall.
Also, DMX is pretty hard to browbeat as far as monikers go. He did change his name from Earl Simmons to DMX (huge improvement) in an homage to “any means necessary” civil rights icon Malcom X. Oh, DMX stands for Dark Man X, which in a lot of ways trumps old Malcom with his own device.
And “Praise,” well, please don’t forget that DMX quit rapping to become a preacher before he caught a whiff of Hollywood’s money pile.
No one is saying that DMX is beyond reproach (as far as naming is concerned). He did follow up landmark rap albums with a Sony comeback called “Year of the Dog…Again” which highlighted his crutch of the dot dot dot (see his uber platinum “…And Then There Was X” for more examples).
Shepherd
Jerry Seinfeld named his son Shepherd and, while Shepherd Seinfeld lacks a pleasant ring, it isn't a bad baby name at all. Especially when you consider that Jerry named his son after a personal radio-comedy hero (and narrator extraordinaire), Jean 'Shep' Shepherd. What an honor that must be!Tim-Elvis
You may not be aware of French disc jockey David Guetta. I wasn't aware of him until I saw that he was nominated for worst baby name of 2005 because of Tim-Elvis. But, you know, I take it for granted that music is important to him, and Elvis remains one of the more noteworthy musicians in the history of the galaxy. Also, Tim is whole-heartedly unobjectionable, if a skosh blah.
So I guess there's is only one word to say to DJ David Guetta about the naming of his son: Why-hyphenated?
No comments:
Post a Comment