Fetal Gung Fu

I have noticed something about when people ask you what you did the night before. I mean, we all talk about the fun activities of the previous night if we're excited about them (and they're socially decent conversation topics- you'd never openly boast about pulling off the perfect murder) whether or not our chatting partner has asked about it.

But there are cases when people actually do ask. And this happens if 1)you're lousy at conversation, 2)the asker knows what you've done and how it relates to what you've told them you were gonna do... this is especially problematic when both parties know that inclusion was decided against for whatever reason, and 3)you know that you really want to be asked about what you did rather than bringing it up yourself.

Case number one happens most often (and increasingly so since the passing of William F Buckley, Jr.) because not everyone is interested in conversation. Some are extra chatty and somehow hopelessly plain with the topics and syntax. Other people just ask and then don't listen because they ask all the same questions every time they have to speak. It happens everyday. Oh gosh, I always say, I was just sitting at home with my notebook and binoculars, but I was NOT planning the perfect murder!

Case number two should only be practiced by investigators or cross-examining lawyers, but sadly it often passes for keeping-in-touch between 'friends.' I think that we're in bad shape when we have doubts about our closest associates, but part of information control is riding the line between distortion (A-Okay!) and deceit (often a no-no) because the number of 'friends' who'd stick-out the relationship if they knew the precise nature of our every thought and action would diminish rapidly. And you wouldn't want to be friends with the loyalists who'd think it was just fine that you're a klepto who daydreams about diamond heists.

Case number three passes as polite rather than braggadocious. If you could just jump into the room all, "GUESS WHAT I DID!!!" and have people mirror your affected enthusiam like, "Gollllly, what could it be!?" then you wouldn't have to ask them first. As it is, you ask and hope they have the decency to answer concisely, sparing you the morbid details. When the hint is not grasped, here's a handy technique:

1) Ask "what'd you guys do last night, eh?"
2) Do not listen.
3) Nod and say "mm-hmm... uh-huh... neat"
4) Then start in on what you want to say whether or not their story has finished.
It works every time!

Anyways- Yesterday night Kasha and I were just sitting at home watching Ghost Stories on the tube and turning left-overs into salads. We actually talked about the upcoming weekend weather and the possibility of rain. Next we were brainstorming what boxes we should use to store winter clothes. Ok... boring enough for you?

The point is that somebody was super excited. And that somebody was the pickle who kicked like a frog in a pond for half an hour while we sat and said, "there... there! There..." as if every repetition needed it's own announcement.

And man oh man! The pickle's first kicks made Cedar Point look like River Rouge! We were geeking out all over the place. Thinking about it after the fact did nothing to lessen the impact. I got a real bang out of it, and can recapture the moment (along with its accompanying joy) whenever I want to! It's like your first kiss on steroids.

But every new day rising spells the death knell of yesternight, and with the pickle as my new pinnacle of kicking, I've decided to lay to rest some celebrated kickers of days gone past.

JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME

This guy is to movie-climax, baddie-vanquishing, Pheonix-from-ashes round-house kicks-to-the-face what the Wright Brothers are to aviation. And he is also uniquely sensitive to the wider audience compared to your typical action hero. By "wider audience" I mean women, and by "uniquely sensitive" I mean he looks like all the guys you see in those topless fireman calendars and he has the good sense to put at least one scene where he does the splits in his tighty-whities per movie. I am serious. I have seen JCVD's ass more times than Tonto has seen Scout's!

BRUCE LEE

Here's one of the few guys on earth who I'd pay good money (I don't know, Euros maybe?) to kick me in the teeth. Just as long as he set his feet to stun. It's widely known that Bruce can vaporize his opponents with a single kick.

A TRIBE CALLED QUEST

Whereas the majority of folks on this list are being recognized for literal kicking, Tribe (Q-Tip, Fife Dawg, and Ali Shaheed Muhammed) have figurative kicking in common with the pickle. I mean, the pickle is moving about in there and we've chosen (as a culture) to refer to this as kicking. The Quest was known for kicking funky rhymes and popularising a black art form to huge white audiences with astonishing smash hit single that posed the eternal question: "Can I Kick It?"

Yes Ya Can!

PELE

How can you not be a fan of Pele? He's up there with Jordan and Mickey Mouse... except people outside of the US know what Mickey and Michael look like and I just found out about Pele ten seconds ago! Oh, so that's what he looks like! I kinda always figured he'd just walk around coddling a soccer ball all day. And I am not trying to say that Pele is Gay. No, that's not right. Alls I am saying is that Soccer is! Big difference.

STEVEN SEAGAL

Okay Okay, I understand that Aikido is a grappling martial art and has little to do with kicking. But watch what happens if you say "Martial Arts" to like 99% of white guys. We be kicking and say "Whooo-AHH!" Sure I've seen Steven Seagal kick a few times as well.

Little know fact about MR Seagall: He was born in Lansing, Michigan. Also, isn't he cute with that freaking panda! Gawsh!


JASON HANSON

Sure he's Detroit Lion, and we all know they're in a building phase, but he's got an Iron Leg. I'll bet he's a fast driver too! I am impressed with a guy who after 18 years of survival in the debilitating National Football League was given a four year contract renewal. Other than Barry, name a Lion who's stats are as consistent. And really, he'd be putting up even more extra point kicks if the Lions were able to score TDs.

CHUCK NORRIS

Last but not least, it's Chuck Norris. Actually, he is least. I've never seen any of his films and would rather get dental work done than watch Walker, Texas Ranger. What's with punctuating titles? It would still be the best show ever if they'd named it She Wrote (about) Murder.


But I am fascinated with the legendary status that Chuck Norris has attained. He's like David Hasslehoff in this regard: people who do not enjoy his work but are aware of it have a lot of good fun hyping the celebrity that came out of that work. Also, both guys made the life decision to look dazzling in jeans throughout the decades. Bravo!