ANAWHATWHATME* (Question)

Beautiful and Natural have been replaced! Huzzah! Whoop whoop! Ya-a-a-a-y! At this point the beautiful and natural characteristics of the process that Kasha is near to the forty percent completion benchmark of have been thoroughly internalized. And why not? You've seen the snapshots, they're undeniably beautiful. Sure, film capture photos would go a bit further with me as far as 'natural' is concerned, but it's two thousand freaking nine for gosh sakes and digital images use technology to enhance what we perceive as naturally beautiful just as post-industrial particulate matter trapped in the atmosphere enhances a sunset. So, beautiful and natural are firmly in place, place-holding substitutions though they may be.

But what could possibly usurp their title as king of the expectantcy hill? At this point in the pregnancy we're in a dead heat between, "is it a boy or a girl?" and "what are you thinking of for a name?" and it's fitting that these two be the far and away front-runners. They are linked, no doubt. Oh, and the answers, in either case, are: "dunno."


But both questions are thought of at the same time. We'll say to ourselves that if we knew the sex of the pickle we could arrive at a name in half the time. But that's lazy math. If you know you'll have a Junior (II, the 3rd, and so 4th...) in the case of a boy, that wouldn't stop you from having endless debate about the case of a female. If something like that were the condition, as I am sure it often is, then discovering the sex of the child would make the naming decision easier in a strictly insignificant way. It'd be the same thing if you'd settled on a particular girl name, say Agatha (from Greek, good and kind), but had no predisposition towards the male name (and were averse to Agacio, the manly, Greek counterpart to your settled-upon girl name).

What we've been struck by is that it's a universal question for this period of the pregnancy. Both American and Chinese friends have been caught asking. The notable difference is that, in America, it is a choice: do you want to know the sex? While in China the information is kept from expectant parents unless they beg or, rather, bribe the info out of their medical practitioners. I'm not implying cultural gender bias or attempting to comment misguidedly on overt, solution-weighted political policy that produces unintended perceptions and realities in its wake. But, look at the demographics and make your own implications. Then get back to me. Please don't also forget that free-market-America has given the world the choice to pick (ahem, pay for) the preferred sex of their child. See Gen-Select's site http://www.genselect.com/?referrer=Google&gclid=COfrsPjsxJkCFc0vpAodM2D_aQ
if that sort of thing tickles your fancy. I'll also refrain from commenting on this freedom, this right, this reality.

So, any how, knowing the sex of the baby doesn't make the decision that much easier. Lazy math is but one pitfall. There's also the chance that, whether you know the sex or not, you may pick an unsuitable name for a zillion other reasons. Let's say you want to call the baby Rosie or Lilly before birth and then you discover that you've got an olive-complected bundle on your hands. Wouldn't fit. Or you may be leaning towards Gus when the baby looks like an Alex. I'm not saying wait a week and watch the sky and woods or whatever and come up with a name the way the Natives would have done.
Sure, it's a romantic enough idea, and certainly a super personalized solution, but for example, I don't even think Sitting Bull is possible. Do bulls sit? Is it a play on words? Bull Sit = BS?! Besides, we don't exactly populate a landscape abounding with natural glory anymore, now do we? It's likely that the Native American approach to baby naming would end with the pickle going by Charging Card or Falling Dollar in this modern age. And if you chose a name in a manner that states unequivocally that this little pickle is not gonna be part of the impersonal modern age... well, you'd feel like a real horse's patoot when the little guy wants to become a space-man or hacker or a pilot or a televangelist.

Besides that, you have layer upon layer of onion skin obscuring your ability to take a decision. Say you know it's gonna be a girl. Say you've always felt "Marsha"had a nice ring to it. Say your last name is Smith. There's the elements. All sewed up then, innit? Actually you're farther from the finish line then ever you have been when you think you're on that home stretch. OK, for one thing, is that Marsha or Marcia? Think about it now, the spelling will effect the diminutive: Marsh or Marcie. And then there's the middle name/initials consideration. With some form of Marcia as the first name and Smith as the last, you start navigating through potentially treacherous waters with the middle name. Choosing the wrong one could wind up with little Marcie being "Mess" "Messy" "Missus" or (gasp) "Mississippi."

So, you know, there's a lot to think about. Don't get me started on what would happen if you were living in Asia and decided to name your daughter Loraine Ellery Smith. Without filling in all the blanks, I'll just say that would be a disastrous triple whammy in terms of the above outlined considerations and the realities of pronunciation differences between regions.

All that having been said, the truth is that the only name I am crossing off the list with bold strokes is Bruce Lansky. I have a bone to pick with this jagoff. If you're not in the expectant parent subset of the population you may not know that Bruce Lansky is the name of the author of 100,000+ Baby Names and some kind of self-proclaimed know-it-all on every subject from etymology to history to psychology to mythology vis-a-vis first names. Really: one hundred thousand names!
And you're proud of this accomplishment? Well guess what, Bruce... I can eat an entire box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch in one sitting and slam (by modest count) eight Guiness back to back. You don't see me running around and acting like I'm mister big stuff about it though, do you?

OK here's where the rift between me and Bruce Lansky started. The jerk really does think he's god's gift to the meaning of first names as if such things can have significant meaning on their own, without being attached to a person or place. The jerk. Anyways, in a 700+ page tome of one hundred thousand names, the first time Bruce stinking Lansky mentions my name it's listed as one of the top 25 names that evoke a sense of being "Whimpy." And guess what list the name Bruce is on... top 25 names that give a "Strong/Tough" impression! Give me a break! If you lined up 25 Bruces and like seven Wesleys and just let them go at it... well there'd be a big bloody heap of random, torn and shredded Bruce appendages and at least a half dozen intact Wesleys. Probably the one injured Wes tripped over the first Bruce to be felled in the one-sided melee and was otherwise game fit.

To make matters even much much worse, Bruce Lansky (who thinks that he can somehow glean what qualities are inherently evocative of any name as if he's evangelizing to a monolithic readership), the chump, listed Kate, Kathryn, and Katie as evoking impressions of "Intelligent," "Friendly," and "Athletic" respectively; which put his relative esteem within our household at diametric poles.

But, that's fine. He's got some level of respect in our house. I mean, the reason being is obviously one of self-serving braggartism. That much is clear. And any feelings contrary to the espoused greatness of Bruce Lansky are derived from his trumped-up and un-meritorious credentials as the CEO of Bullcrap Incorporated.

Pluswhich, that's fine that he gets some respect in my house. But just you wait and see what happens I ever see Mr Bruce Lansky in the streets.

* Solution: "WHATs in A NAME?"